my life, my body, my choice

used to be so happy 'n see life in pink... i used to love life, i used to love smiling, going out with friends, do lots of stupid things... i used to eat and not to feel so guilty about it... now i've changed... anorexia is killing me.. i always feel so guily when i eat, i'm not going out cuz i don't want people stare at me 'n me feeling so fat... i'm crying, i want my old life back, i want to be like i used to be.. it's so frustrating, i'm so mad! my life that i hate, my weight that i hate, the size that i hate... i'm dying for size zero... i'm always wearing clothes 2 sisez bigger so i would look smaller.. i wish i was pretty, beautiful, skinny, petite, cute and with that perfect body. perfection for me is an unknown term that scares me and that i want so bad! drinking water, eating only apples 'n taking pills is not helping me, it's not making me feel i can reach my goal. i'm so mad when i see those perfect girls 'n i'm always dating only not skinny guys... it's frustrating, i'm not me anymore :(

cand ne visam

mi se contureaza in minte, ajunge la suflet si sta acolo, nu mai pleaca... ma doare, ma chinuie dar iubesc ca nu mai pleaca... durerile sunt incomparabile cu zilele cand ne vedem, ne auzim sau ne simtim... e rar si totusi e asa frumos... cand isi trece mana'n parul meu, cand il simt fragil, cand mi se invarte magic in minte si in suflet, cand ne visam...

not good enough..

I ask myself everyday, am I thin enough now?
And only I can answer myself, because only I am allowed to question myself.
I'm good, real good, but not good enough for nobody but me.
I want to have sex with myself to see how attractive and pleasing I can be. Cannot give my trust to anyone because we all let down and I don't want to get hurt anymore.
But it hurts to just look at yourself knowing you're not that worthy. Maybe the outsides are just a great distraction for what runs in our veins, not to ever deal with our inner complex. Open our mind box, which we keep so dear to have control.
Don't let go of control.

I find myself now-days complaining over the little things. I'm only safe in my bed, surrounded by my very own sins. I want to believe in a complete human being, if there is such a thing. Make it to your favourite list of faces, because every of my alter egos are me. One that can be all and nothing at the same.
I accept all of them,. It doesn't go the other way. But then again, will you accept me without my makeup and masks?
Am I thin enough for you?

stupid

while i'm waiting 4 someone i will never meet i look at this mass confusion.. i do not need wings to fly, i've told u! the mass is still confused? it's all about the soul and the moves! so dance, dance 'n u'll feel like flyin'

take my hand...

Sometimes I feel like everybody's got a problem
Sometimes I feel like nobody wants to solve them
I know that people say we're never gonna make it
But I know we're gonna get through this
Close your eyes and please don´t let me go
Don't let me go now
Close your eyes and don´t let me let you go
Let's not think about tomorrow
We can find some place to go
Cause our hearts are locked forever
And our love will never die Take my hand tonight one last time The city sleeps and we're lost in the moment Another kiss as we're lying on the pavement If they could see us they would tell us that we're crazy But I know they just don't understand Close your eyes and please don't let me go Don't let me go now Close your eyes, don't let me let you go Take my hand tonight Let's not think about tomorrow Take my hand tonight We can find some place to go Cause our hearts are locked forever And our love will never die Take my hand tonight one last time The rain drops, the tears keep falling I see your face and it keeps me going If I get lost your light´s gonna guide me And I know that you can take me home Take my hand tonight Let's not think about tomorrow Take my hand tonightWe can find some place to go Cause our hearts are locked forever And our love will never die ...

raman..

nu ma poti skimba, m-ai pierdut, nimic nu dureaza o vesnicie, nu pot fi perfecta, e tarziu si nu ma pot intoarce... uita'te.. uita'te la mine, sunt asa cum ai vrut? cum ti-ai inchipuit? cum ai sperat? cum ai visat? nu, nu sunt si te dezamagesc si ma retrag, nu te ranesc si nu te voi lasa nici tu sa ma ranesti, nu esti perfect asa cum nici eu nu sunt... cuvintele raman, nu se schimba... raman spuse... raman...

e sec.

stixuri, mere, pere (d'astea, fructe d'astea), cafea (muulta multa, cat mai multa), apa (plata, muulta apa), vitamine efervestente (nu cavita). dieta. sec. "meniu"sec.. profa de arta romaneasca, secolul al XIV lea, moarte crestineasca, Transilvania, sec. fara Transilvania. iconografie "actuala", sec! fara nuanta, spirit, substanta, corp. sec pt ca este aerian. cu sau fara nuanta, spirit bla bla tot sec este : dramatism subliniat, schimbarea atmosferei si a viziunii redarii reprezentarilor, sec. pentru ca dam dovada de un filfizonism acut si doare. falsitate. si totusi nu mai simt asa cand ma uit la tenishii-mereu-murdari-si-ruptzi-prinsi-cu-ac-de-sigurantza-negru, cand fara sa ma vada cineva totusi savurez cafeaua-mereu-fara-zahar-de-la-mec, cand parca mai plina de substantza este profa-cu-imaginea-proiectata-pe-geamurile-diatecii, cu substantza cand ma gandesc la ziua-in-care-o-voi-revedea-pe-mamm-sabb', cheta-zilnica-a-colegilor-pt-tzigari-si-ceai-verde-pt-toka si plina de substantza- ploaia. aici vroiam sa ajung. ploaia-care-ma-face-sa-arunc-o-privire-pe-geam-si-sa-raman-asa-visand, sper sa nu ma mai trezesc. plec. plina de substantza, seara culturala, vernisaje, conferintza, ploaie. frumos, spiritual.

kill'em all!

So close, no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters !

i'm gonna b just like them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41iSm2KsSrU

Curg lacrimi cum de mult n-au curs, citesc cuvinte, le si simt... nu te voi lasa vreodata sa cazi dar daca vei cadea voi cadea dupa tine, sa te prind, sa te protejez si te voi certa si iti voi vindeca ranile iar tu vei intelege mereu de ce sunt asa... esti desteapta, iti dai seama cat te iubesc... nu trebuie sa strig in gura mare, tu stii... ti-am aratat, poate trebuia mai des dar tu stii cat sunt de fericita... te iubesc pana la doamne-doamne si inapoi, e infinit, e prea putin... tu stii ca meriti mult mai mult... si ma voi stradui ca fiecare vis sa'l visam impreuna, ca fiecare gest sa'l facem impreuna si fiece zambet sa'l zambim impreuna pana cand moartea ne va desparti... si haide sa visam ca nu exista moarte si chiar de exista noi o invingem... e chiar frumos, visam, iubim si ne simtim iubite...